Tuesday
First, I want to make it clear: These are my memoirs and NOT a diary. I know, there’s something else on the cover, but when my mom volunteered to do it, I told her ESPECIALLY not to buy something that had the word “diary” on the cover.
Great then. When I face someone with this book in my hand, I’m definitely gonna receive a punch in the face.
And, there’s something else I also want to say: This idea came from my MOM, not me.
When she thought that I would write my so-called “feelings” in here, she’s definitely deceiving herself. Don’t expect to see things as “dear diary” this and “dear diary” that from me.
I’m doing all this only because when I’m rich and famous, I could do something better than answer boring questions. Then, my memoirs would come in handy.
As said, I’ll become rich and famous a few days later. But right now, I’m surrounded by idiots.
I want to say here, that junior high is the dumbest idea of all times. There, people throw kids like me, fresh out of primary school, with real gorillas, that have to shave two times a day.
And then they all wonder, why there are so many fights.
When you ask me, it’s certain that grades should be sorted depending on one’s height and not age. But then, boys like Mike Lerner will stay in the first grade.
Today’s the first day of school, and we’re all waiting for the teacher to distribute the sitting orders. I also thought I should doodle a bit in this book, so it doesn’t seem so boring.
Tip from me: on the first day of school, you really need to have an eye on where you sit. You just go into the classroom and throw your stuff forehandedly on the best desk and suddenly you hear the teacher say: “I hope you all like your seats, because it’ll stay the same for this year.”
I’m sitting here now, with Chris Meyers in front of me and Lionel James behind me.
Jason Brill came too late and quickly sat next to me, but I’m definitely not going to let that happen.
Is the seat free?
NO! NO!
In the next few hours, maybe I could sit between a few cute girls. But last year’s experience could prove that it’s not the best idea.
Could you give this to Sarah?
Of course, no problem!
Man, I really have NO IDEA what’s happening to the girls these days. Previously, in primary school, everything was so simple: When people had the quickest runner in their class, girls always screamed.
Ronnie McCoy in the fifth class was the quickest.
And now, everything’s a lot more complicated. Now, you have to wear the right pullover or have a lot of money or have a cute butt or something like that. And boys like Ronnie McCoy wonder, what’s happening?
The most well-known boy in my class is Bruce Anderson. What really stinks, especially because I’m ALWAYS interested in girls, is that boys like Bruce only gotten into it for a few years.
I’m pretty sure I know how Bruce was in primary school.
Girls suck!
That’s true!
But do you think anyone will give me credit for that? Joke.
Just like I’ve said, Bruce is the most popular in our class. And that means, we other boys can only fight for the lower places.
According to my calculations, I’m 52nd or 53rd on the popularity chart this year. Good news: I’ll go up a place soon, because Charlie Davies directly one place above me is getting his braces next week.
I’m always trying to tell my friend Rupert about all this high-school-popularity-competition thing, but he simply doesn’t want to listen. I think he’s 150th or something on it.
Wednesday
Today, we had a PE class. First things first, I sneaked to the basketball field to check whether the stinky cheese is still there. Yup.
The stinky cheese stayed there from last spring. It fell from someone’s packed lunch. After a few days, it’s become all slimey and rotten. And nobody wanted to play basketball there anymore, even though it was the only hoop with a net.
For a few days, a boy called Dennis Walsh would poke the cheese with his finger. And then, the things with the cheese finger started. The cheese finger was like a leprocy. The only way to get rid of it is to pass it on to someone else.
Pressing your thumb is the only way against it. But it’s not easy to press your thumb all the time. Finally, I wrapped mine with plastic wrap, so that it can stay pressed. But then I scored a four on appearance, but it’s worth it.
In April, a boy called Alf Hall got the cheese finger and the rest of the grade stayed as far as possible from him. In summer, Alf moved to California and took the cheese finger with him.
I hope no one will come back with the cheese finger. I definitely can’t handel that much stress.
Thursday
It’s really hard to me to accept the fact that the summer vacation is over and I have to actually get up early every morning to go to school.
Thanks to my older brother Rodrick, my summer vacation didn’t start all sunshine and rainbow. On the third or fourth day of the holiday, he woke me up in the middle of the night and told me I had slept through the whole vacation. Luckily I woke up in time for school.
Now, you probably think I’m stupid to have fallen for the trick. But Rodrick put on all his school things and set my clock, so it looked like it was seven in the morning. And he also shut my curtains close, so that I couldn’t see it was totally dark outside.
After Rodrick woke me up, I also dressed up and went down for breakfast, just like any other school days.
Then I made a loud noise. And then all of a sudden, my dad was standing in the kitchen, and shouting at me because I had to eat cornflakes at 3 in the morning.
I kinda lost myself for a second there.
Then I explained to dad, that Rodrick played a joke on me and that he should punish HIM.
Then dad marched to the basement to punish Rodrick. I’m behind. I didn’t wanna miss out on the show.
But Rodrick made it look like everything was normal and that he wasn’t doing anything weird. I believe, my dad still thinks I have a loose screw in my head somewhere.
Friday
Today, we’re getting sorted into different reading groups.
You can’t tell at first sight, whether one is in the talented group or the dumb group. But when you see the title of the books which were distributed, it’s suddenly all clear.
I was really surprised when I found out I was in the talented group, because that means more homework.
At the end of the last semester, when the reading conference started, I did everything I could to get into the dumb group this year.
Mom is a good friend of our director. She somehow took the matter into her own hands and then, I was in the talented group again.
Mom always says that I’m a clever boy, but I’m just not “engaged” enough.
But if I learned something from Rodrick, it’s to make other’s expectation of you as low as possible. Then, they’ll be totally surprised when you actually do something.
Rodrick, when I return this evening, don’t leave your underpants on the dining table.
Later
Great!
To be honest, I’m really glad that my plan to get into the dumb group didn’t work.
Saturday
Sheesh, the first week of school is finally over, so I slept in today.
Most kids wake up early on Saturday to watch the TV or something like that, but I’m different. The only reason that I even get up on weekends is simply because the smell of my mouth is unbearable.
But, unfortunately, my dad wakes up at 6 in the morning every day, REGARDLESS of whether it’s a weekday or weekend, and he doesn’t understand why I want to spend my weekend like any normal person would.
I didn’thave any plans today, so I visited Rupert.
Rupert is THEORETICALLY my best friend, but that can change real quick.
I’ve been avoiding him from the start of the semester, because he did something really awkward.
We wanted to pick up our things from our lockers after the last session, there came Rupert to me and said:
Do you want to go play with me?
I’ve told Rupert for about a million times, that we’re not in primary school anymore, and we’re supposed to say “hang out” and not “play”. But no matter how many times I explain, he just doesn’t listen.
Since I’ve entered junior high, I’ve been paying more attention to my personal image. But Rupert is a real pain in the back.
I’ve known him for a few years, since he moved over.
His mom bought him a book: “How can you find friends in a new neighborhood”. And boy did he try it.
Knock, knock!
Hello?
Smudo!
Pardon?
Trying to make you laugh!
What?
I felt sorry for him, so I took him under my wings.
It’s really great to have him as a friend. Especially because I can play tricks on him that Rodrick did to ME.
When your hand is bigger than your face, you’re a genius.
REALLY?
Ha! Tricked! (smashing Rupert in the face)
But I’m a genius now, right?
Umm…we’ll see about that.
Monday
I said that I can play all sorts of tricks on Rupert. I also have a little brother called Manni, on whom I could do NOTHING of the kind.
Mom and dad all protect Manni, like he’s a prince or something. And he just doesn’t get blamed when he actually deserved it.
Yesterday, Manni drew a portrait with Edding on the door of my room. I thought, he’s finally going to get punishments (which he deserved) from mom and dad. But that didn’t happen.
But what really annoyed me is the nickname he had for me. When he was a baby, he just couldn’t pronounce the word “brother”. So he started to address me as “bubi”. And this thing WENT ON TILL NOW, even if I said to mom and dad that it should be forbidden.
Thank goodness none of my friends really noticed it, but it has been close for a couple of times.
It says “for bubi”!
Must be for someone else.
I have to help Manni get ready for kindergarten every single morning. And when I made his cereal, he just sits on his little stool and puts the living room key in his pocket.
And then, when it’s time to go, he puts his bowl upside down on the stool.
Mom argues with me all the time because I don’t eat my breakfast properly. But when she sees someone smash their cornflakes on a chair, she definitely doesn’t have an appetite either.
Tuesday
Did you guys guess that I’m SUPER GOOD at video games? I think I can duel anyone in my class.
But my dad just can’t cherish my talent. He always annoys me with the “you should go outside and do something active” saying.
When my dad said the exact same thing at dinner, I really wanted to explain to him that you could also play football or basketball in video games - and better, because you don’t have to get all hot and sweaty.
But he didn’t catch that.
My dad’s not a stubborn person. But when it comes to health problems and lifestyle choices, we jsut have so many quarrels.
OUT!
I have a feeling that he’s gonna unplug my gaming stuff if he knows how. Thank goodness they made it parent-proof.
When my dad made me go outside to do some sport, I just go to Rupert’s and continue playing.
Unfortunately, there are only boring toys.
Every time when I bring a video game to play with Rupert, his dad would search it in the internet. And when there’s only A LITTLE BIT of blood or something in there, we’re not allowed to play it.
I’m starting to get bored, just playing Formula 1 all the time with Rupert. He’s no match for a real gamer like me. If you want to beat Rupert, you have to give his car a totally stupid name.
And when you overtake him, he just can’t stop laughing.
Today, after I finished with Rupert, I went home. On the way, I made use of my neighbour’s sprinkler to make me look all sweaty and wet. And it worked: dad was so happy.
But the trick is quickly put off the table, because when mom saw me, I had to shower.
Wednesday
Dad left me out of the house again today.
I’m pretty nervous about going to Rupert’s to play video games every time. Between my house and Rupert’s lived a strange boy called Finley, who always stayed in front of his house. And you’ll come upon a few weird conversations.
Do you want to see my secret mole?
Umm…no, thanks.
I’ve done sport with Finley together. He has his own language. For example, when he wants to answer nature’s call, he says:
JUICE! JUUUUICE!
We kids know more or less about it, but the teachers don’t.
It’s ok, little one.
Today, I went to Rupert’s as usual, because my brother Rodrick and his band are rehearsing in our basement again.
Rodrick’s band is really NOISY, and I’m not staying in when they’re playing.
His band’s name is “Volle Windel”, but on their bus wrote “Folle Vindel”.
Maybe you’ll think they do it because it looks cooler. But I’m pretty sure, it’s only because Rodrick has no idea how to write the two words.
Dad didn’t approve of the fact that Rodrick formed a band, but mom was heads over heels.
She even bought Rodrick’s first drum set.
I think, mom did that because she wanted all of us to learn instruments and be like the cool music family you see on TV.
Dad hates heavy metal, and that’s exactly the genre Rodrick plays. I think, mom doesn’t care about what sort of music they play, because everything’s the same for her. For instance, Rodrick was playing one of his CDs today in the living room, mom entered and randomly started dancing.
Rodrick was clearly annoyed, so he went in town and came back in a quarter with a pair of headphones. Now he has it all to himself.
Thursday
Yesterday, Rodrick bought another heavy metal CD for himself, with a warning for parents on it.
I’m still not allowed to listen to a CD with warning signs on it, because mom and dad don’t permit me purchase anything of the kind. Then I realized, I could only listen to it if I somehow smuggle it out of the house.
After Rodrick went out this morning, I rang Rupert and told him to bring his CD-player to school.
Then I went back to Rodrick’s room and stole the CD from his shelf.
We are obviously not allowed to bring any gadgets to school, so we had to wait for recess. After the ring went off, we ran to the back of the school and took out Rodrick’s CD.
But Rupert forgot to put batteries in his CD-player, so everything was over.
Then I thought of a great game: You put the headphones on and try to shake them off without using your hands. The quicker of us two would then win.
I created a record of 7.5 seconds. But I think, I might’ve ripped a few stuffings apart.
Suddenly, Mrs. Milner came around the corner out of nowhere and was very angry of our game. She took away the CD-player from me.
But I think she somehow misunderstood what we had done. She said something about rock being some “terrible stuff” and it would contaminate our brains.
I wanted to tell her that there were no batteries in the CD-player, but she didn’t want to be interrupted. So I simply waited until she was finished and said “yes, Mrs. Milner.”
Mrs. Milner wanted to send us running again, but then Rupert starting howling and sobbing all of a sudden, because he didn’t want his brain “contaminated”.
Friday
Now, I really messed up.
Yesterday night, when everyone was in bed, I sneaked downstairs to listen to Rodrick’s CD on the stereo.
I put on Rodrick’s new headphones and set the volume to MAX. Then I pressed “Play”.
I’m gonna make it clear now: I really can understand why there was a warning on the CD.
But I only got 30 seconds into the song. Then I was caught red-handed.
I forgot to plug the headphones into the stereo. So the music came out from the LOUDSPEAKER, not from the headphones.
Dad rushed me to my room, closed the door and said:
We need to talk, friendly!
When dad said something about “friends”, it’s obvious he’s angry. The first time dad said something like that to me, I didn’t think he was being ironic. And boy did I fall into his trap quickly.
It didn’t happen to me ever again.
This evening, dad barked at me for about ten minutes. Then he thought it would be better to go to bed and not stand in my room with his pajamas on. He prohibited video games for two weeks. I was expecting something like that. I should be glad that it wasn’t anything more.
The good thing about dad is that he recovers from anger very quickly.
When you happen to stumble upon dad’s anger arc, he usually just throws something at you, whatever he’s holding at the moment.
Mom’s TOTALLY different from dad. When someone did something and annoyed mom, she’ll think about it a few days later and then decide the punishments.
So, when waiting, one will do absolutely everything they can to avoid the punishments as much as possible.
Mom, I cleaned the dining room for fun!
Aww, how sweet.
But then, after a few days, when one forgets about it themselves, it comes.
Is that fun?
YEAH!
Then no video games for one week.
Monday
This prohibit of video games got me better than I thought. But at least I’m not the only one in the family with anger.
Rodrick’s now angry towards mom. Manni played with one of his heavy metal posters and there was a woman in a bikini sitting on the bonnet of a car. Manni brought the picture to school, so that he could tell everyone about the things on it.
Upon receiving a call regarding this matter, mom wasn’t happy.
I saw the picture and thought there wasn’t anything inappropriate on it. But mom just didn’t want anything like that in the house.
Rodrick had to answer questions mom wrote down as a punishment.
Did this poster make you a better person?
No.
Did it make you famous in your friends?
No.
What do you want to say for having such a poster?
I’m ashamed of myself.
Do you have anything to say to women after owning such a dirty poster?
I’m sorry.
Wednesday
After video games got banned from me, Manni was allowed to use my equipments. Mom bought him a pile of educational games. Seeing him with them is pure torture for me.
What comes after two and rhymes with free?
Hmm…
Three! Three!
Good news: I finally found out how to smuggle my games into Rupert’s house: I’ll simply put them in Manni’s game’s boxes. It works like a charm.
Thursday
Today, they started the election for our school speaker. I’m not interested in that sort of thing. But the more I think about it, the more I think I could make things different.
But nobody wanted the treasurer, they all want to be the big posts like the school speakers. When I promtoe myself as the treasurer tomorrow, it’s gonna be so good!
Friday
Today, I signed up to be a candidate of the treasurer. Unfortunately, there was another boy called Marty Porter, a real math head. Maybe it’s not so easy anymore.
I told my dad I was gonna run for a position in school, and he seemed really excited about it. He also ran for something when he was my age and got the position.
After he went through every box in the basement, he found a flyer from the election.
I found the idea of making a poster good and anted dad to take me to the market on Sunday, so I could buy some cardboard and crayons. The whole night, I was thinking about the designs on my poster.
Monday
Today, I brought my poster with me to school. I have to say, I find them really successful.
So, I started to put them up all around school. But it only took three minutes for the representative director Mr. Roy to find them.
Mr. Roy said that we’re not allowed to say anything “untrue” about the other candidates. I explained that Marty Porter DID have fleas in his hair and the school is going to shut down because of it.
But he took down my poster anyways. And Marty Porter was distributing lollipops the whole day to gain votes, when my posters were in Mr. Roy’s litter bin. And with that ended my life as a politician.